Wardrobe Malfunction
by Draco the Lizard
Summary: The Tenth Doctor thinks a new outfit might attract a male companion, and Rose spends most of her time being surprised. It's silly. [Oneshot, expect no sequel]


Disclaimer: It all belongs to the lovely, lovely BBC.

Setting: Sometime after The Christmas Invasion, I think.

The Doctor looked at himself in the mirror, and turned this way and that, to get a good view of what he looked like. Why couldn't he have eyes in the back of his head? Or a mirror behind him? He really had to re-model the wardrobe room sometime soon.

Maybe he needed Rose's opinion. After all, she could see his backside and he couldn't. And the entire outfit was for attracting humans, and Rose was human and would surely know what outfit attracted one.

The reason he wanted to attract one was because he wanted a second companion. He felt his previous self had been a little careless with them. Two out of three gone within a year or so. Of course, Adam had been kicked out but perhaps that had been a little harsh. Still, he didn't like the thought of going to Adam and explaining the whole regeneration issue again. Rose had had trouble adjusting to it, and she had been with him a lot longer. No, best to leave Adam alone.

That still left the position of Male Human Companion open, and the Doctor had decided to fill it. Hence the outfit, which according to his database would attract male humans in no time at all.

Rose had been in her room when she heard the Doctor call for her. She didn't question how his voice could carry through all the corridors, but figured that the TARDIS just manipulated the acoustics. "What is it?" She called back.

"I need you here in the wardrobe room!" He shouted back.

"Coming!" She yelled, wondering what was going on now. He had just picked out the nice brown suit, it looked quite classy. She hoped she wouldn't have to assure him that his bum didn't look big in it.

She wandered over to where the wardrobe room usually was, and was frozen to the spot when she saw what the Doctor was wearing.

He must've heard her jaw drop, because he turned around and smiled. "What do you think?"

Rose just stared. It was easier than trying to think of something to say.

He tilted his head a bit. "Ooh, is that a good silence or a bad silence? I'm never good with silences."

Okay. She could do this. She could speak. She would just close her eyes and ignore the mental images. "Doctor, why are you wearing that?"

"I wanted to get a new companion. A male one, since the last one worked out so well. And I swear I'm going to take better care off this one, because getting them killed so quickly is just not done," The Doctor replied. "I've had goldfish live longer than that."

She opened her eyes, surprised that the Doctor had had goldfish. She wanted to comment on it, but she was struck by the Outfit again. "You had goldfish?" She asked, closing her eyes again.

"Yeah, a while ago. I was sorta in between companions at the time and I was experimenting with animals instead. I thought it would be easier because they don't wander off and touch things all the time, but then again they don't rescue you out of tight spots either. Of course, half the time I get into those spots because of the companions. And when I was trying dogs, I found that they wander off a lot too, and touch things as well. So that didn't work. I was just seeing if goldfish would work when I picked someone up." She could hear him frown. "Whatever did happen to Goldie the 5th?"

Right. Enough about pets, she needed to know more about this companion getting plan of his. "Doctor, do you really think that outfit is going to attract men?"

"Well, according to the database this outfit attracts human males, and that database is never wrong. I made it myself."

Rose opened her eyes to just stare at him again, this time in surprise. She also found that she must be getting used to the Outfit, because she could think normally again. "Doctor, you realise you're wearing a schoolgirl's outfit, right?"

"Yes."

"The key word being schoolGIRL's outfit," Rose said.

She watched as realisation dawned to him. "Oh! So you're saying it only works when a girl wears it?"

Rose just nodded.

"So, maybe you could wear it next time we go to –"

"No!" She had hated that outfit when she had been forced to wear it, and she was not wearing it so the Doctor could have a male friend he could hang out with.

"You sure? Don't you miss having a third person around?" The Doctor asked, absent-mindedly fidgeting with his tie.

"Not as much as I miss wearing that!" Rose said, pointing at the ensemble. It had been quite uncomfortable and itchy.

"I find it quite comfortable, actually, especially in the leg department!" He walked towards her. "I feel so unrestrained, so free!"

Rose didn't respond to that and chalked it up to him being an alien. "Where did you get this, anyway?"

"This? It was just here, maybe some previous companion left it here," He said, nonchalantly. "What? Don't look at me like that, I can't remember everything my previous companion have done."

"But it fits," Rose said. "It fits well. I mean, if it fits you it can't exactly have been made for a proper schoolgirl." The Doctor was avoiding her eyes, she could tell from the way he was suddenly being very interested in his high-heeled shoes. She didn't want to know where those came from. Unless… "The TARDIS made it, didn't it? That would explain all the weird clothes in here. You spotted the outfit in the database, thought it might attract some random bloke of the street and told the TARDIS to make it!" She was quite pleased with that deduction, and wondered if she could get the TARDIS to make her something special.

"Yes," The Doctor said quickly. "That's exactly how it went. I've never worn this outfit before in my life, or in any of my previous lives. Ever. Especially not to a wild New Year's party which I cannot fully remember."

Rose nodded in satisfaction. See, she could do that jumping to conclusions from scraps of information as well.

"But me wearing it would be fairly useless then?" The Doctor asked suddenly.

She smiled. "Just a bit, yeah."

"I see. So, no on the schoolgirl outfit then. Now, I had a back-up plan, let's see if I can find it…" The Doctor turned back to the nearest clothes rack. "I swear I had it here somewhere…" He rummaged through the clothes. "Ah! Here it is!" He held it up in front of him. "What d'ya think, I found that this was quite popular with men as well for some reason. I'm not sure what the weird ball thing with the strings does though."

Rose stared again, and was very happy he hadn't been wearing this when she first came in. "Doctor, there's a skirt involved again."

The Doctor stared at the outfit in his hands, and at his current one. "I'm wearing a skirt!"

"You didn't know?" Rose asked, amazed.

"No! I thought it was a kilt! They have the same pattern," He muttered some other things as he threw the cheerleader outfit back on the rack and started taking off his skirt and threw it away. "I cannot believe no one tells me these things!" He huffed.

Rose was staring again. Apparently someone had told him about not wearing underwear when wearing a kilt.

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